Back to the Future

I decided today that not remembering my password for this blog wasn't enought to keep me away anymore. I feel bad. It has, after all, been 1 year, 7 months, and 18 days.

So let me bring who ever might read this up to speed. I still live in Ojai with my beautiful wife, Darcey and daughter, Zao and our dog, Tank. Zao is 2 going on 16. I still work selling plumbing fixtures and appliance.

A lot has happend since I last posted anything up here. There have been huge trials and challenges. There have also been amazing victories and things to celebrate. In the last year, we've really made a point as a family to focus more on God. This has had suprising effects on every part of our lives. Beleive me, we are still very, very, very far from perfect, but we're becoming closer to the One who is perfect.

The funny thing is that I first started this blog as a way to keep track of our journey through life together. With the family growing, this was suppose to be a great way to record, comment, share, vent, and remember the "every day" and the "this and that" moments in life. Zao came to us and blew the roof off the place. Darcey and I have had it better than we ever thought was possible. And (I'm not joking or exagerating in any way) it gets better every day.

So I'm ramping up again. This time with a new little one. We're pregnant with number 2. The baby is due August 15th, 2012. I think that puts us a little over 4 months along. This pregnancy has been a little different from the first one. There's a lot less fear. There are a few more expectations. The excitement is the same, uncontainable. I wanted a girl the first time and I got her. And now I'd like a boy but it goes without saying that there wont be a shred of disapointment either way. The running joke is that if we did so amazing with our first kid, just imagine how good we'll do on the second try.

I think the plan is to have a water birth. I know the beds at the hospital were pretty hard on Darcey's back. I hope sitting in some warm water will help her muscles relax and give her a less stressful enviroment when it comes time to deliver the baby.

This baby couldn't have come at a better time for me personally. For some reason that I dont understand, I went through a few months of doubt. It just hit me one night and wouldn't go away. It was like a bird on my shoulder. I would try to ignore it but it would skwak and skwak and eventually take a poop on me, leaving me not feeling very good about myself. The doubt was against my faith. It was against my motives and even my very heart. A lesson I've learned from this is God loves to take advantage of a great opportunity. He loves to fix broken, repentive hearts. I can honestly say that I asked for Him to show himself to me without any specifics. He did that in a lot of small ways. He also did it in one big way. A few days after this prayer Darcey told me she was pregnant. And he didn't stop there. Growing close to God has helped me grow closer to Darcey. He's provided for us and allowed me to be stronger to resist things that used to control me. I can say from experiance, God is Good.

My Hero

Everyone loves a hero. Someone who can be depended on. Someone you can call and talk to. Someone who makes you feel safe or happy. The person who does the right thing for the good of everyone, even if it's much more difficult than doing the wrong thing. Someone you can be vulnerable around. Someone who doesn't need money or popularity to feel good about doing what's right. Someone who can set the bar for the rest of us. The person you want to be like when you grow up.

There is a great sadness in my heart. There is a divide that has been driven in between people I love, and at their own hand. Now we all know that no one is perfect but it's very easy to get our hopes up. Here's the -uh, problem. Because no one is perfect, that means we're all imperfect. And an imperfect hero will let you down. It hurts to feel as though a major cornerstone in your life has been removed from your home. Or rather, I feel a part of my body has been removed.

Now, that doesn't mean that we should all fall into a pit of despair or give up hope. For me, coming out of a bad situation, it means to keep your eyes open. It means that instead of depending on the imperfect, try to depend on the perfect. So my focus will be on God. So today, this is my prayer:

lord i love you,
thank you for your love,
thank you for your son,
bless your kingdom and those in it on earth and in heaven,
mold me everyday to be more like you,
use me and guide me to your purpose,
create in me a light so that all who see me will see you,
give me strength and courage,
give me wisdom and insight,
help me be forgiving and loving to others
call me by name so that i can follow you as a man, a father, and as a husband,
ease the hurt i feel and replace it with healing,
my heart is yours and beats because of you
make your path for me clear
i ask these things in your name
amen

The Beginning of Everything

It's 1:39 am and I cant sleep.

I've found a new way to look at life recently. It wasn't on purpose. It only happened because mine was changed so drastically. After waiting and waiting to see what kind of cloths and decorations we would be buying for our first baby, and after wanting to know so badly what we're going to have so we can think of names, I'm finding myself in a place where I don't care about those things for the same reasons I did before.

I, Evan Scott Bechtel, am having a little baby girl.

It's hard to put into words the way I feel. All I can think over and over is, "My heart is full, my heart is full, my heart is full . . . " I have a wife that no man on this planet deserves. In a the dumb luck or chance or acts of God that inspire and control the things that happen in this life, she is the single greatest gift I have ever received. And now there is going to be a little person . . . a little girl that moves, talks, thinks, and all sorts of other things we do just like her mother and I do. I've told Darcey many times but I don't think she really understands what I mean when I say that seeing her pregnant is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I can only be honest and admit I get emotional just thinking about it. It is the perfect design created by God for us to forge our lives as one into something we could never create on our own.

Why do I receive so much when I have nothing to give to You?!

When have I ever proven myself to You?

How can I preserve and protect what You've given me?

How can I let You teach her love and show her Your heart?

What good am I, unless I have You?

Where will I have find the strength to give her back to You?

You are glory, You are strength, You are love,

You are giving, Your are trusting, You are wise,

You are everything, I am nothing,

But You love me, and I love You